The Face of the Man She Loves
by Holding Out for My Hero
Summary: Dean and Haley come to a crossroads in their relationship.
1. Chapter 1

**The Face of the Man She Loves**

Haley James took a deep breath, inhaling the crisp air, and letting it fill her nose with its brisk coldness. It was almost spring, but although the breeze was gentle, it held a chilly bite, reminding her that winter wasn't quite over yet.

Winter. This was the longest winter of her life, or so it seemed. The holidays were supposed to have been joyful and filled with laughter, not tears and heartache. She sighed, and looked down at the valley below her. She stood still, high atop the city's highest point, the wind ruffling her hair. Haley closed her eyes, the image of his face immediately flooding her senses.

To say that it had been a rough time for them was the understatement of the year. Sam had gone missing and no one knew where he was, Dean had literally been dragged to hell and back, and John was comatose in a hospital bed. Then there was of course when she had almost been possessed, and Dean hadn't been there to help her. It had been a horrific ordeal, one that she'd thought she might not survive… but she did, and now here she was, alone.

Taking another deep breath, Haley thought of Dean. After he'd come back from hell, he'd grown cold, distant, and almost completely detached himself from her. She fought against that, reminding him that he wasn't alone, that she was there to support him, to help him in any way she could. But apparently it had not been enough. Because the harder she tried to hold onto Dean, the farther away he slipped from her.

And that had taken a toll on her health, both physically and emotionally. They'd never 'officially' broken up, but she felt that Dean wasn't invested in their relationship anymore. His time in hell had changed him radically and although she'd thought that her love would be enough to heal him, she'd been wrong.

Maybe that was the worst part. Knowing that she wasn't enough for him. Would probably never be. The doubts haunted and plagued her, and made her feel completely vulnerable. During the months after his return, all they ever did was fight and argue; he would yell at her that she couldn't understand what he'd been through and she'd tell him that he was shutting her out purposefully. All the love they'd once shared, seemingly disappeared and all that was left was pain and anger. They'd hurt each other deeply, and Haley didn't know how she could go on like that. They could not go on like that.

Dean Winchester raced up the mountainous road, heedless of the warning signs along the way to drive slowly, for this was dangerous terrain. He'd gotten a message from Haley that she wanted to talk to him, and judging by the tone of her voice in the message, he suspected what it was about. She'd told him to meet her at 'their place.'

They had been through so much these past few months. It had been literally and figuratively hell. Dean knew he'd changed, Haley had too, and their relationship was tattered and broken. And now as he drove like a madman up to where she was waiting for him, something akin to fear began to coil inside his stomach like a venomous snake.

He couldn't deny his feelings for her, despite the horrors he'd been through, the change that had come over him, he could never deny that he loved Haley with all of his heart. The feelings were too strong, too deep rooted to ever go away. And that always scared the shit out of him. He had always done so well with hiding and letting go of feelings. He'd let go of others, but he just could not let go of Haley. And that terrified Dean Winchester; the man who was a demon hunter was afraid of not being able to let go of the one woman whom he truly did love.

As he neared their place, his heartbeat quickened, his breath grew ragged. He wasn't stupid. He knew she was going to talk about them, how in reality, them was pretty much non-existent. The thought of losing her left him feeling cold and lifeless. But he seen its coming, he'd always known it would happen, sooner or later. And that time had come.

Dean parked the car some distance away, then got off the Impala and began to walk to where she was. He could see her standing still, her hair blowing around her face, as she looked into the dusky horizon. Hid body ached at the sight of her.

As if she knew he'd arrived, she turned around slowly and their eyes connected.

For a brief, sublime moment he forgot all of their problems. And all he wanted to do was touch her. In that instant she was all he could see, and all he felt was his love for her. That incredible, indescribable, and unbelievably strong love.

"You came." Her voice floated to him, ringing in his ears.

"You really thought I wouldn't come?"

"I don't know what to think anymore, Dean." Tears pricked Haley's eyes. She looked at him as he came within several feet of her. The sight of him hurt her.

As he looked at her tear-stricken face, he despised himself for putting her through this pain. He'd never really deserved her. She'd always been a miracle in his life, and it still amazed him that someone so pure and beautiful could love him. Which is why he was so undeserving of her. The things he did, the darkness he'd seen and that was now a part him, didn't belong near his beautiful Haley. He didn't belong with her. He had never belonged with her. She deserved much better than him.

"I've been an ass, I know that. I wish it was different. But I can't change what's happened. The truth is Haley, we can never go back to what we had."

"I know that." She whispered. "After you came back… I thought that my love would be enough to help you heal. But I was wrong."

Dean felt his eyes sting as tears threatened to fall. "I love you, you know that right? I have never stopped loving you. And I am sorry for hurting you like I did. But I- I'm damaged, Haley. I can't ever change that. And you don't deserve someone like me. You deserve someone who can give you everything you need, all of the better things in life. I'm not that person."

She covered her mouth with her hand, stifling a sob. She tried to speak, but her cries prevented her from saying anything.

Dean was crying now. "I would be lying if I said it was easy to let you go. The naked truth is I don't really know how to let you go. I don't. It scares the shit out of me that I don't know how. I've never felt like this before. Dean Winchester doesn't fall in love . But you, Haley, you were different. From the moment I met you, I knew you were special. And you changed my life. For the first time, I wanted to need someone. I wanted and needed you."

"Dean…" Her voice cracked with emotion. She saw his green eyes, they were brimming with pain and tears. She felt a tremendous ache in her heart, seeing him so upset. "Please, just stop."

"I wish I could make all of this go away. I wish I could have made you as happy as you made me."

"You did make me happy! I was the happiest when I was with you." She cried.

Dean wiped away his tears with the back of his hand. "How can you say that after all we've been through? Everything I put you through?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Because I love you!" The words were out before she could stop them. She needed to let him know how she really felt about him. "Meeting you, getting to know you, _falling in love with you_ was the best thing that's happened to me. You changed me. For the better." She took a step closer to him.

"Don't say that." He bowed his head. "Don't say that." His voice was hoarse with emotion. "I know I've never deserved you, and now more than ever I realise that." He looked up at her again, and the pain in his eyes was so strong, Haley felt her heart literally aching.

"Haley," he started. He wanted to say so many things to her, but maybe he didn't have enough courage to really admit them. He could barely admit them to himself. "It's not easy for me to put my feelings into words. I suck at it." His face softened. "My life has never been easy, and happiness was not meant for me, but I want you to know that the times I was happy, it was with you. You made me happy. And those moments I will always have with me, even when we're apart."

He felt a strong urge to caress her cheek. He looked at her with emotional eyes, full of unshed tears. God, she was so beautiful. Not able to resist himself, his fingers grazed her cheek. Haley closed her eyes, tears falling down her face, wetting his hand.

"Dean…" why were words so difficult right now? "I don't know what to do anymore. When I look at you, I still see the face of the man I fell in love with. Despite everything, somehow you're still _you_." She ran placed her hand over his, as it still lay on her cheek. She pursed her lips, trying to stay strong. She wanted to hold him, and make him go away at the same time. "But I also know that you've changed. I have also changed, and I'm not sure that we can still be together, happy and in a healthy relationship after everything. I love you, that will never change…" she sighed deeply, her body tired. "I'd never thought I'd believe this, but maybe love just isn't enough for us. I tried to be what you needed, and I wanted to make everything alright for you, but that wasn't enough. And I don't blame you for my shortcomings. Life has been cruel to us." Haley bit her lip, trying hard not to shed more tears, but it was in vain, her eyes were shinning with their glimmer.

Dean looked at her intently. "Life is a bitch, but I am grateful for the one good thing it gave me: you." His ran his thumb softly over the curve of her cheek. "You're the best thing that's ever been mine. But that's where I was wrong. You really have never been mine."

He let his hand drop to his side, no longer touching her. Haley felt a pang of sadness, feeling the absence of the warmth of his touch. He'd always made her feel so warm and protected. But now, as he stepped away from her, she felt the complete opposite, so cold and vulnerable. Wrapping her arms tightly around herself, she found the strength to step closer to him. She just couldn't bear to see him distance himself from her.

Haley stared at him with pained eyes, but took his hands in hers, linking their fingers together. "Remember the first time we made love?" She wanted to smile at the memory. Those moments had been the happiest time in her life.

A shadow of a smile crossed over his handsome face. "How could I ever forget? It was the night we had our first big fight, and you ran out, angry at me. I went after you, and it was raining, the storm was heavy. When I finally caught up to you, you were soaking wet."

Haley's lips formed into a small smile. "Yeah. And then you almost ran me over because you couldn't see through the rain. I was so angry."

"Yeah, and then I forced you to get into the car. I had to literally throw you over my shoulder and get you inside because you wouldn't." His eyes filled with love at the memory. "And even once you were inside, you wouldn't stop yelling at me. So I had to do the one thing I knew would shut you up, kiss you."

Haley laughed softly. "And I hated you for that. Because it was true. I could never resist your kisses. That's one of the reasons I fell in love with you, you know. You were such a damn good kisser." She let go of one of his hands, and placed a hand over his chest, where his heart lay. "Your kisses were always my undoing."

Dean felt a rush of love come over him, hearing her admit this to him. "My favorite thing in the world is to kiss you. And I would do it all day long if you'd let me."

Haley breathed a small gasp, as her breathing quickened. "Dean, I-"

"Don't." He placed a finger over her lips. "I know. I won't ever kiss you again, if you don't want me to."

She tilted her head. "It's not that. The problem is I do _want _you to, but if you did, I'm not sure I could come back from that. I might do something crazy and kiss you back."

Dean reached for her, his hand bringing her closer to him, as he wrapped his arm around her waist. "Who says that's a problem?"

His face was mere inches from hers. Haley couldn't breathe. Her heart beat loudly inside her.

"It is because… because I-" she stumbled through her words. "Because if you do, I'll never want you to leave me."

"Really?" He inched closer to her, this time, their mouths were seconds away from each others.

Haley swallowed hard. "Yes, really."

His blue green eyes were full of adoration. "I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to," he breathed, and Haley felt his soft breath over her face.

Dean watched her as her as she tried to retain her composure. She'd always been so strong. It was one of the many qualities she possessed that had drawn him to her. Her strength of character and the way she went through life with such purpose and determination.

He shook his head, and put a little distance between, nonetheless he still held onto her, his hand still linked to hers.

"Remember the first time I said I love you? Because I remember the moment when _you_ cried and told me that _you_ loved me for the first time." Dean's fingers wound tighter around hers. "But I have a confession to make." His eyes darkened.

Haley's heartbeat staggered. "What?"

"You were actually the first one to say I love you."

Haley frowned. "What are you talking about? You said it first."

"Remember when I took you to Austin to see AC/DC?"

"Yes, and we stayed in that seedy motel because everything else was booked."

"Yeah and you fell asleep in my arms that night. And then while you were sleeping, you whispered, 'I love you, Dean.' His green eyes were bright with amusement. "I never told you because I wanted to be the first one who said it."

Haley couldn't help but smile. She laughed. "Are you serious."

"So serious."

His face was a picture of seriousness, but then he smiled at her, that sexy brilliant smile that was both her ultimate weakness and strength."

"You're unbelievable." She shook her head. "I have a confession of my own." She grinned, feeling happy as she recalled the memory. "The first very time I saw you, it was late in October, I remember thinking you were so gorgeous, and I really wanted to see who you were. So I ran into your car on purpose."

"What?" He exclaimed. "So it was you who put that dent in the Impala that was hell to fix?"

"Yes," she said guiltily. _Mea culpa_." She looked up at him. "And then I went up to you, and pretended I didn't know who did it, that it was some hit and run. But it worked, because you talked to me."

Dean couldn't help his laughter. "I would have never thought that!" He looked at her intently. "That was the price my baby had to pay so I could find you. But really, you found me."


End file.
